So, You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore?

**WARNING** THIS POST NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART & NOT FOR THE CLOSE-MINDED** YOUR LIFE COULD VERY WELL BE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN**

Ever tired of just going through the motions of Christianity and want to mine the depths of what it REALLY means to live deeply in Christ? Well, we have come to this stark realization over the past few years. We have asked ourselves difficult questions, asked God those difficult questions, and found some far-reaching answers. You might say that our world has been turned upside down - for the better! As I've talked about in previous posts, we made a choice to follow where God was leading and not man - it has forever changed our lives!

We read through Jacobsen's & Coleman's book, "So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore; an unexpected journey" several months ago, and I am getting ready to go through it again. Now, before I continue, I must state that I am not replacing this book as my "bible" and I'm not saying that I agree with every single word that is in it. I DO however, believe that this has some KEY truths and elements about how GOD sees our relationship with Himself and what He intended from the very beginning. I am not saying that I think the church is null and I am not saying that you shouldn't go to church - there is a healthy balance between what is being spoken about in this book that I will leave for you to read for yourself, if you choose.

What has been so refreshing and therapeutic for me is the freedom in knowing that I do not have to belong to a church in order for God to move in my life, speak to me, and grow in Him. I do not have to submit to a pastor as if I would my God. (I am NOT saying that we shouldn't respect our leaders, etc. What I AM saying is that God is my God and not another man; and when I say 'man' I am referring to humankind). Yes, I believe God puts pastors/leaders in authority to speak into our lives -what I don't believe is that just because a leader says you must do this or that or else you won't experience this or have that - that I must except that as the inherent truth and word of God. Anyone else who says this isn't right is essentially manipulating/controlling you to some extent so that you can help benefit their own personal agenda and not God's.

This story refers to the church as 'the institution', which I do agree with. Once you have a payroll and a group of leaders governing the overall decisions, you have an institution. There is no such mention of this in the Bible anywhere. God intended for us to be in relationship with Him - yes, have fellowship with other believers - but no in the sense that this one reason would keep you from being in fellowship with Him. This is a concept that I struggled with after we left our church a few years ago. We knew that we couldn't walk in the lies anymore with them, yet we felt like we had no worth, so to speak without being in a church. Now you mustn't confuse this by me saying we shouldn't have fellowship with other believers. The whole idea behind this is that God never said "if you don't go to a church and follow the prescribed formula, you will never be able to have relationship with me." When talking about approval, the book quotes:

"Do what they want and they shower you with affirmation. Cross them and they'll crucify your reputation, with or without the facts." ... "it's a lot easier for you to get out of the system than it is to get the system out of you."

See, we went through the martydom by leaving the church we were at - as if we had some sort of disease and had lost our salvation. We took a stand on what we believed to be wrong and what we believed to be the Truth and chose to follow the Truth. No more approval once we disagreed with what the "masses" told us to believe. At another section of the book, they have a discussion on guilt and how it is used to gain the desired outcome by controlling a situation:

"Guilt does that. It shoves us away from God in our time of need, instead of allowing us to run to him, presenting our greatest failures and questions so that we might receive his mercy and grace....we use guilt to conform people's behavior, never realizing the same guilt will them far from God."

See, it's a dangerous scary game. And we still get caught up in now that we're gone, just because it is human nature and when these things have been literally ingrained/indoctrinated in us since becoming a Christian, it's hard to just 'stop' all of a sudden. But thanks be to God that He is the ultimate in charge and that when we truly choose to follow HIM and not man, it will happen automatically. Your life is turned upside down without you even knowing it because you have been choosing to put God first and not the approval and guilt-driven system of man.

Weather you agree or not, this book is definitely worth reading. If you disagree, this is great material to debate and argue your points with :) - if you agree with stuff inside, then you're in for a whole new ride as well!

I'm A Survivor

The last several months have been something else for me. I didn't even know where to start when someone asks how things were going, etc. How do you tell someone that "yea pretty much life just sucks right now"? Well, since this is me that we're talking about, that's just about how it would come out! :) Nothing was going the way I'd wanted or planned and I was tired of not being able to cope - survive - function - without the help of sleep aids, relaxants, and screwing vitamins and 'all things natural'. Everything that I stood for and believed in began to fall down the drain in a hopeless feeling of exhastion and defeat.

I would find that at the end of my days, the last thing I wanted to do was get back online and share my thoughts and 'jordanisms' with people when I'd spent my entire day defending myself and just surving to get to the end of the day without being lectured and scolded. My passion for sharing on things and issues near and dear to my heart began to fade in the light of other things claiming priority in my life by means of necessity. There was no joy and energy left in me at the end of the day and the despair of the next coming day were enough to make me sick and I'd once again, neglect something that I once loved and looked forward to - blogging and keeping up on the latest herbal health trends and information.

But alas! There was a cloud with a silver lining in it on my horizon and I have embraced it full force! For the first time in 2 years, I am truly able to be a true Mommy and a real Independent Contractor. It has been a breath of fresh air to have set deadlines and projects and know that who cares when it gets done, as long as it's done and done well. There's no more being tied to my house and my phone in fear that I won't be available when I'm 'supposed' to be available and that I can run my own schedule and take time for my daughter.

I have GREATLY appreciated all of your emails and posts encouraging me to continue to share information and stories with you all. You are wonderful readers and I love you too!

Letting Go

The past year, or bit more, we have been in the process of processing, dealing, grieving, and letting go. I have been learning that there comes a time in life where you must decide what is "right" for your family and what is Truth and what you are OK with being "gray". I just never thought that we would hit something like this so soon. I know that as a parent, I am responsible for the influences and examples that Kaileigh grows up with and adapts as her own eventually, but I never really thought about the fact that making decisions based on all of these things starts now - that we are sowing seed into not only our lives, but Kaileigh's, and into all of our futures.

We came to a cross roads awhile back where we had to choose between what we felt God was telling/leading us and where man was telling us we should go. (you can read in-depth on that here) Well, we chose to take a step of faith and follow where we felt God leading. And in this process we have lost friends, but we have also made new ones - and kept some who have chosen the same path. We have learned that forgiveness isn't always what it looks like

But the hardest part of all this? LETTING GO. Letting go of the idea of friendship(s) that never really were - authentic. Letting go of an idea that was never really real to begin with - that truth wasn't The Truth. Letting go of the fact that we were strung along to follow something that was not for our spiritual gain, but for personal, human gain. Letting go of a memory that never really was what it looked like. And letting go of all the emotions and experiences and wondering, was it really what it seemed and realizing that nothing will ever be the same again.

When people talk with us, I often relate to the passage in Genesis where Lot and his family leave Sodom & Gomorrah. God tells them not to look back. Oh boy - "don't look back God?" Well, that is what it has been. Learning to let go and to not look back - on something that never was Truth. To know that God said "go, take your family, and run and do not look over your shoulder."

Now, I am not saying that I am looking back and regretting. What I AM saying is that I continue to go through this grieving process of realizing that we have left an "old way", so to speak and have started a "new route" and as we continue to experience God's blessing and excitement, I grieve from time to time for those who I was close to, no longer share those same values and convictions or share the same goals and it is sometimes more than my heart can handle.

Summer Fun

So a few weeks ago, we got out the little play pool for Kaileigh. Though we enjoy going to the neighborhood pool, this is great for when I need to get work done and can sit at the table on the patio and let her go to play! Below is a video of her first summer 'swim'.

While watching her play in the pool, I was once again I was so reminded of the adventures in mothering. It's these little things of her giggles and just pure joy and excitement to do the simple things like play in a swimming pool. I just pray that I remember these little squeals and joys as she gets older. I'm so blessed that I can be around to watch this!

"Mrs Davis? Hi, Kaileigh's Appointment Was at 2:15 this Afternoon..."

......

"Really," I said. "I never got a confirmation call."

"I have you down here as confirmed on Friday at 2:35pm."

"Really. Who did you talk to?!"

"I don't have the name written down, but I did speak with someone and they confirmed your appointment."

"Well, I wasn't around on Friday and we have no messages or any record on our caller ID. This is really frustrating cause I would've been there had this 'ghost' confirm er told me I had an appointment."

"I'm truly sorry Mrs. Davis, but we had you confirmed and we will need to re-schedule and get your no-show fee."

"Ok, so I can come in anytime this week that you pick, but I'm still going to say that there is no message, caller ID, or call to our cell phones, and I'd really rather not pay the $50 for an appointment that I was unaware about. I can bring phone records if you'd like"

"Very well Mrs. Davis. We will see you later this week."

"Thanks. Bye"


So either the lady was like 'gosh this mom is crazy' or she was like 'this is a hole I will not be able to get out of with this mom, so I'm going no farther.' Regardless, I'm sure I will have to end up paying the $50 for not showing up and just deal with it. Though to me, $50 IS a huge deal when I truly didn't get a phone call of any sorts and am now saying 'good bye' to our March date night to pay for my lack of responsibility that I had no clue I was being.

Last week at our MOPS group, we talked about perspective - in parenting and viewing life as a whole in a larger picture. We looked at a piece of art that was "pointillism". The closer you looked at the picture, the more dots you could see and not the entire piece of art - the dots were more accented and the painting was blurred, but the farther away you held it, the more defined the picture become and the dots were blurred. The whole point being, when we can step back and look at the whole picture, the dots aren't as big and defined. The closer in we look and pick away, all you see are the dots and not the art.

So back to my conversation above with the nurse earlier. Really, in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of deal - or "dot" - should I say. Inconvenient? Definitely. But at least Kaileigh has a doctor to go to and has a good one that can fit us in again in the same week and have a nurse that can deal with my irritable voice over the phone. What a way for me to be reminded that there is a bigger picture in this adventure!

And so, here is one more way that I choose to 'own my adventure'.

Owning My Adventure

I must concur that it has been way too long since I last was blogging. However, I found myself not liking the old blog and wasn't sure what I wanted out of my new one. Then it hit me - adventure. Not just any adventure, but the adventure of being Mommy AND Me. What does it mean to own our adventures?

It has been quite a rollarcoaster the past 18 months - I have been responsible for another human being other than myself! And in the process of becoming a mommy, I began to wonder where 'me' was in all of this. I went from full time work, traveling, adventures - to, well.... motherhood. And all of a sudden I found myself wondering "what now?" Oh Jordan, Jordan, Jordan...if only I'd known that I'd just traded one adventure for another - an adventure that I'd begin to cherish every moment of every day!

Owning my adventure - I love the fact that this new adventure is still ME. Yes I have the daily routine tasks, but there is ME in those daily tasks and I have learned so much about myself. I love the fact that since having my daughter and being at home with her that I still get to develop my skills, passions, and learn new things. I love the fact that I can laugh when - once again - I've left the house with no diapers, but diaper wipes; no wallet, but purse; left with a pajama shirt still on with jeans that has breakfast all over it; that 'late' is all relative - I'm owning my adventure. I love the fact that I've continued to bring some much-needed income into the family through freelance work and that it can be done while my daughter builds with blocks and watches "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" - I'm owning my adventure.